DISCLAIMER #2
To those of you looking for an enlightening, inspirational message this evening...might not find this post to be what you are looking for.
I woke up this morning once again with false hopes that I would feel good and be ready to at least lift my head up off the pillow for more than 20 to 30 minutes at a time! I was able to eat a good lunch....and then thought I might feel like getting out for a short car ride. That Failed. :(
I have been having a pity party today because JD's 20th high school reunion is tonight and I so wanted to go with him. Not only that, but he wouldn't go without me because I'm sick. I wanted to him to be able to see and reconnect with some old classmates and just have fun tonight. It's such a nice night out....and I hate that if it wasn't for THIS we would be getting ready to go out for a fun night together! So I'm feeling a little resentful! I thought getting out and taking a drive might help pass the time and make me feel better....all that did was make me feel sick.
I'm mad at myself for being the sick one. For not being able to do something fun with my girls this weekend, for being the party pooper that keeps JD from his reunion, and maybe theres a little self pity there for me too because its Saturday night, and I like to have fun ( its been a while and I miss my FUN self)
I'm just tired mainly....tired of looking in the mirror at sad, sick eyes...tired of feeling like I can smell the chemo meds on my skin, or when i cough, tired of feeling like every movement I make will make me sick, my skin and bones hurt and I'm tired of being tired. so there.
I know that I will feel better in a few days...I just haven't felt like being positive today. I remember how last time I cried for two days after treatments, so this too shall pass.I just give up on trying to control how I feel at any given moment. I don't want to be a big baby, so I am done whining. Today just isn't a good day...tomorrow I will be stronger and more positive...I promise :)
I was really sick last week-all week. By day 4 I was crying because I was tired of being sick. ANd then honestly-I thought of you. We can always feel bad and cry and then for a moment, we can remember that no matter how bad it is, someone has it worse. There's nothing wrong with feeling sorry for ourselves, it's how we're made, but somewhere someone is sitting in a hospital waiting for a kidney or someone was told that they have terminal cancer and only have a month or a few weeks. Sometimes that helps me when I am feeling really bad about my situation. I'm still sick this week, so I came here to encourage someone else rather than continue to feel bad for myself. I am praying for you. It's a tough road, but you have been given the gift of life so cherish it. The reunion was overrated. It was fun, but I was sick and didn't socialize as much as I'd have liked. You were missed. People were talking about you and keeping you in their thoughts and prayers. Take care. It will get better!
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